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Wondering what’s coming your way in the first few weeks of the new year?  Peer upon these words, dear readers, and behold!  All of these predictions have been made while I drank copious amounts of coffee while listening to Talking Heads albums.  I think it’s also how David Lynch wrote Eraserhead.

Aries
Your uncle will send you an email asking for his limited edition box set of Rocky VHS tapes back, he “needs them.”

Taurus
A dream about an upright talking dog wearing parachute pants with suspenders will haunt you throughout the day, but it turns out not to mean anything.

Gemini
While waiting in line for coffee you overhear a conversation in which someone inaccurately attributes an acting credit to “Corey Feldman with a beard,” when it was in fact Jeremy Davies in the role.  DO NOT CORRECT HIM, as this will cause you to become unstuck in time.

LOST BOY or just LOST? Be careful either way!

Cancer
You and three others in the office will pitch in for Chinese on Friday; you will like the fortune you get better than this horoscope.

Leo
You’re going to hear a song you liked in high school on a classic rock station for the first time and briefly consider steering into oncoming traffic.

Virgo
You encounter a wizard as you leave Walgreens.  The wizard is in possession of a magical amulet that gives him +3 immunity to fire.  He strikes quickly, hitting your dog with a Confuse spell.  It’s your turn, what do you do?

Libra
The same unlisted number you keep missing calls from turns out to be Jimmy Wales of Wikipedia, asking for money.  By the time you are actually able to pick up, he tells you that the fund drive is over so he’ll call back in a year.

Scorpio
While at a monster truck rally with your cousins, an argument begins over “who is better,” Bigfoot or Grave Digger.  You suddenly realize that you are discussing the merits of two diesel-powered vehicles, not sentient beings, and wonder what circumstances have led you to being at a monster truck rally in the first place.  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.

Y'ALL DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT MONSTER TRUCKS

Sagittarius
A friend’s allergy turns out to be a blessing in disguise.  Now would be a good time to take up beekeeping.

Capricorn
You will discover that something very similar to a sport you invented in your driveway when you were twelve is now wildly popular in Scandinavia.  The scrawny Army brat you never heard from after junior high is the Swedish league’s highest-paid player.

Aquarius
Instead of buying scratch tickets this month, just go to the park on a windy day, throw a handful of money in the air, spin around five times, and count to twenty.  Whatever money you can recover is what you would have gotten back on two of the tickets in the first place.

Pisces
Avoid the new pottery course taking place at the community center this month – the “instructor” insists on having nude models present at all classes.

As time goes on, the more I realize that Batman might be my favorite superhero.

That said, the trailer for The Dark Knight Rises has arrived and it’s got me very excited to see the conclusion to this interpretation of the story, one that hasn’t quite followed convention and has created its own unique world for its characters.

Like any good limited run of a comic series, you get the sense that anything can happen – there are no guarantees in Christopher Nolan’s vision of Gotham City.  Major characters can die in these films, as opposed to decades-long survival in comics.  Look no further than Harvey Dent, who bit it almost immediately after becoming Two-Face.  It keeps you guessing.  Even though TDKR looks to potentially follow the “Knightfall” storyline with Bane, we’ll also see Selina Kyle for the first time in this series, along with what I think will be a very intriguing tie-in to the Occupy movement.

Meanwhile, Sony Pictures thinks they need to reboot Spider-Man already with a guy who made a hipster rom-com at the helm and Warner Bros. is trying again with another Superman flick.  Superman I’m still on the fence about, but you’ll learn of my heartbreak/nerd rage over a new Spidey soon enough.

That's it, Bruce. Enjoy yourself once in a while.

July 20th can’t come soon enough.

Hey everybody.  Here’s a bit on what I’m up to over the next couple of months.  If you can get yourself down to Sturbridge and the Stageloft theater, you’ll get to see me in the next three shows, starting this Friday!

I'm gonna look JUST LIKE THIS

First up, I’m pulling double duty as Bob Cratchit and Fezziwig in A Christmas Carol.  This show is becoming a bit of a Stageloft tradition, and I’m really happy to be a part of it.  You know the story of Scrooge, but I really like this production.  Great cast, sweet costumes, and lots of neat technical wizardry courtesy of super-talented director Jeremy Woloski.  We’re starting up this weekend and we’ll run for three weeks.  Check out the website for all of the performances (we’re cramming in about fifteen!) and reserve your tickets.  A great way to unwind amidst all of the Christmas hustle and bustle.

George W. Bush listening to a shoe

When Christmas Carol wraps, I’ll already be hard at work on my next role: Agent 86 of CONTROL, Maxwell Smart.  Get Smart is going to be just the kind of comedy to beat the winter blahs, and I’m really excited to get started on it.  The laughs are rapid fire in this one, and I’ll finally get to work with our fearless leader, Ed Cornely.   Would you believe it’s got all the charm and fun of the original series?  Would you believe we open on January 20th?  Would you believe I’m so dedicated to the role that I’m going to shave my beard?   (I’m gonna try to lose a little weight while I’m at it, but don’t hold me to that.)  Please, don’t miss this one, guys, it’s a three-week run and I hope you’ll be there.

Also not to miss – Woody Allen’s madcap Don’t Drink the Water, which follows Get Smart on February 24th.  Chuck Grigaitis started begging me to come audition once we started on Laughter on the 23rd Floor.  Here we are now, and I’m lining up to play Father Drobney, a priest seeking asylum in an unnamed Communist country in 1960′s Europe.  He also does magic tricks in his spare time.  That’s only a fraction of the insanity that this script has to offer, so I’m going to leave it to you to come join us during that three-week run.

That will wrap it up for me for the time being.  Three shows back-to-back-to-back is something I’ve never attempted, and I’ve got a feeling I’ll need a rest.  Sorry I can’t make it for The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, but you know I’ll be there to see it.

I’d just like to let everyone know that the votes are in* and it’s official**, there is a new Best Picture on the Internet, effective immediately.

BREAKIN' THE LAW BREAKIN' THE LAW

This image was found on the Bad Postcards blog.

Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.  Good night.

* Voting parties restricted only to me, Stephen Caputo, President of the Internet.
** As official as things can be on the Internet, which is of course, my jurisdiction.

Look!  It’s a new video ready for your consumption:

That was a lot of fun to shoot and kind of fun to edit (I have to replace my laptop something fierce if I’m going to keep up the video thing).  I’m not in this show, but I urge you to go.  The Theatre Guild are my friends, and proceeds are going to the North Brookfield Save the Arts campaign.  It should be a great time.

Speaking of shows, I’m gearing up for A Christmas Carol down at Stageloft.  I have the dates but I’m too lazy to give them to you right now.  But if you’re looking for a portly Bob Crachit, I’m your man.

It’s been about a week since R.E.M. announced that they are disbanding.  After three decades, Michael Stipe, Mike Mills, Peter Buck, and longtime manager Bertis Downs decided that it would be best to hang it up.  To most, this is inconsequential.  I saw people on Twitter saying stuff like “I didn’t even know R.E.M. were still together.”  Let’s face it, it’s been well over a decade since they made a record that really got people’s attention (arguably, Monster was the last album that did so, and that came out SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO).  But to fans like myself, and believe me, there’s lots of us, this is something we’d have to realize was coming sooner rather than later, and is most certainly nothing to be upset about.

R.E.M. have always done things their way.  Their initial contract with IRS Records, the way they recorded their music, the relentless touring, the refusal to do what was expected of them in the age of early MTV… they didn’t know it, but the band was establishing what the independent and alternative scenes of the 80’s and 90’s would look like, both musically, and as a business model.  Even after signing with Warner Brothers in the late 80’s, they tried to retain that independent spirit while having the advantage of guaranteed money.  Instead of spending it on cars, drugs, etc, they invested it in their music.  They took the early 90’s by storm with music that reached across radio formats but remained something all their own.  And just when the melodic and painstakingly arranged albums like Out of Time and Automatic for the People were looking like their hallmark, they turned around and put out two of the best hard rock albums of the decade in Monster and New Adventures In Hi Fi.

Part lies, part heart, part truth, part garbage.

When drummer Bill Berry retired in the late 90’s, it seemed like the end for the band.  Instead, the remaining three members quietly picked up the pieces and went in new directions.  They produced some of their best music to date over the next few years before beginning to burn out with Around the Sun.  This would only result in another return to form with two more triumphant albums.  R.E.M. always refused to stay down.  There was always a reason to get back up.  Now, months after the release of Collapse Into Now (which I’ll finally review soon) and the arrangement of a full retrospective album to be released in November, R.E.M. have decided that it’s time.

The decision is, once again, R.E.M. doing things their way.  Their latest contract with Warner Brothers (which, when signed, was the most lucrative record deal in history) has been fulfilled, they’re putting together a “definitive” hits collection of their own making, and they’re in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  What better time, then, to call it a day?

We’ll always have the music, the videos, and the memories.  Plenty of other great groups have had to quit under worse circumstances… much worse than any R.E.M. might have had to deal with.  That’s why I’m not upset.  I’m glad.  I’m glad that these guys, whose has been a huge part of my life, and influenced so much of what I like about music, will get to go out on their own terms.  We’re sure to see them here and there… Michael might lend his voice to someone here or there, Mike might do some of the same, and lord knows Peter likes to stay busy.

"This is my time and I am thrilled to be alive."

All good things must come to an end.  And I feel fine.

I’ve been a busy blogger as of late.  Actually, let me start over again.  I’m not writing enough to be considered a busy blogger, per se.  If I’m not actually blogging, the adjective “busy” doesn’t serve to properly modify the noun.

I’ve been a busy fella as of late.  That’s better.  I recently wrapped up a four week run with the gang at Stageloft, putting on Neil Simon’s Laughter on the 23rd Floor.  It’s a comedy that takes place in the writers’ room of a fictitious variety TV show in the Fifties.  The show they work on is in fact primarily based on Your Show of Shows, which featured the great Sid Caesar, where Simon got his start.  This premise seemed a good fit for me, as the film My Favorite Year (a very simliar premise) is quoted daily by my family.  This vicarious familiarity made it an intriguing show for me to go try out for, especially seeing as how I’d been seeing a lot of shows at Stageloft lately.  And if that wasn’t enough, I was handed sides to read at auditions for a character named Ira Stone, a hypochondiracal shlimil who was essentially  a cross between Woody Allen and George Costanza.  (Based on Mel Brooks, as it turns out.)

"Who knows if we'll have this much fun again in our entire lives?"

Doing this show was a blast.  Everyone involved was a true professional.  Working with an ensemble of talented people like you see up there is a very rewarding experience.  Along the way, I feel like I made a bunch of new friends.  And on top of it all, we received a FOUR STAR REVIEW in the Worcester Telegram and Gazette.  Huh… a thing like that.  I hate to toot my own horn, but I feel that I have to make light of this quote from Paul Kolas:

“Steve Caputo is wonderfully antic as Ira Stone, a hypochondriac who defends his imagined ailments with an especially sharp tongue. He challenges Bryan Swanda’s smoothly sarcastic Brian Doyle, the only gentile in the bunch, to a verbal contest over who can come up with the funniest names.
Watching Caputo and Swanda duke it out is one of the show’s high points.”

#humblebrag

Now it’s hard for me to look at the calendar and realize that the show’s run is over and it’s back to normal… or maybe it’s just time to do another show?  I’m getting auditions lined up for Christmas.

I don’t know about you, but the idea of robots telling us what to do (or else) isn’t my cup of tea.  Call me crazy, but I don’t really feel like waking up in the morning and finding out that my computer is sick of the whole “Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, repeat” routine and is now donating all of my money to some sort of singular cybernetic consciousness.  What the machines want with money, I don’t know, but I can only assume.

Today I was reading headlines and came across this article on CNN.  Basically, it’s a report that IBM has just built another chip that is just one step closer to being about as complex and quick as the human brain.  After reading it, I just sat there thinking, “There go those damn scientists again, rushing us towards extinction.”  I mean, haven’t these people ever seen The Matrix?  How about Battlestar Galactica? Or the Terminator movies?  They’re all geeks, so I’m sure they have.  I know that if I was a scientist, I’d be concentrating on something other than figuring out a way to be a real-life Miles Dyson.

Honey, I'm home!

Sure, it was all fun and games when we wanted to make a computer that could beat Russians at chess. We let it slide when Japan builds creepy robot women.  Hell, I’ve been playing StarCraft against the computer for ages.  But there comes a time when we have to take a serious look at this thing and ask ourselves, “What could possibly go wrong?”  The answer is EVERYTHING.  EVERYTHING CAN GO WRONG.

To quote Eddie Vedder, “It’s evolution, babaaaay.”  One species gets smarter than another, and bad things happen.  This can be observed in the new documentary Rise of the Planet of the Apes.  Robots, monkeys, whatever.  This is bad shit, people.

I’ve been a bit busy as of late, and haven’t had the time to post like I’d like to.  So many ideas have come and gone, and I’m kinda angry about it, but on the bright side, I’ve actually had a bit on my plate lately.

I wanted to put up an image but didn't feel like uploading anything, so I picked something at random from my server. Who wins? Everybody.

For one thing, I’m doing more things that I enjoy on a more serious level.  I guess most importantly, I’m back into videography on a professional level.  I’ll write more on that soon, but let’s just say that it’s got some serious potential.  It’s “what I do” now.  I’m very excited about it… so excited, in fact, that I even do it in my spare time along with doing it as “work.”  I say it in quotations because it doesn’t feel like work.  It’s fun to me.  So I threw this together one afternoon a couple of weeks ago.

The beauty of it is, I shot all of that on my Canon Vixia HF200.  I’ve finally figured out a way to make the footage usable… all with free software.  You all know that I’m big on doing this stuff on the cheap, especially when it comes to computers.  I edited the video with Kdenlive, a great program that runs cross-platform, and is one of the best I’ve used on Ubuntu, period, let alone for video editing.  Once I’ve got the money for a new computer (PC or Mac, who knows?), Kdenlive is coming with me.

Aside of imagining myself a filmmaker again, I’m also very close to putting a new show on.  Stageloft is one of the best local theater groups going, and it’s an honor to be joining them for Laughter on the 23rd Floor, opening up on August 12th.  I’ll be sure to keep publicizing it on here and Facebook and everywhere else.

In fact, I’m going to cut this post short because I’m off to rehearsal in a bit.  Stay tuned in the near future for more.

It’s Independence Day, and here at NP1 that only means one thing… Live blogging the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest from Coney Island.  I’m starting to think that the best way to cover this thing might be to actually be there one of these days.

Mind you, I had to tear myself away from Rockyfest on AMC to do this.  Dedication.

JOEY DINED FOR YOUR SINS

12:00 – The show opens with the Master of Ceremonies pumping up the crowd on a rising cherry picker.  We’re stepping up our game this year, aren’t we?  I love this show.  It’s a muggy day down there… I wonder if that will factor into things?  Some pitchers are really good in the heat, like Tom Seaver.  Can you imagine anybody being capable of mowing down in that kinda heat?

12:03 – ESPN finally has their own booth there overlooking the event.  Renee Herlocker (Hurt Locker?) informs us that we’re going to have a seperate women’s competition.  WHAT?  I love this competition because they let the ladies compete right alongside the fellas.  Other sports this would work in: Golf, pool, bowling.  I mean, hell, if you check out Chikara Pro Wrestling, Sara Del Rey is in the running for their championship at the end of the year.

12:06 – So it turns out that they had the women’s competition already today, so we saw that on tape delay.  Sonya Thomas won with 40, Juliet Lee was tied for second with 29.

12:07 – Poll Question: Is competitive eating a sport?  I’ve already mentioned comic book-inspired pro wrestling, so I guess it is.

12:10 – The comptetitors are shown getting off the bus.  Joey is “hungry and happy.”  He’s going to do whatever it takes to win and perhaps best his world record.  I’m disappointed that he didn’t tell us what he had for breakfast.  HOLY COW, they’re shown eating in Bejing.  Eat a lot and see the world!

12:13 – Showing off the various techniques.  The Joey Hop, the Kobayashi, Dunking, the Axl Rose.  That’s exactly what it sounds like.

12:14 – Where’s Kobayashi, anyway?  He got taken away in handcuffs last year, apparently he’s nowhere to be seen this year.  The crowd is huge, tossing around a Pepto-Bismol branded beachball.  (I think they have a blimp there, I don’t believe it.  Actually, yeah, I do.)

12:18 – Paul Bertoletti video package.  He’s always goofy but certainly committed.  He’s made his way to the #2 spot in the world behind Joey.  He also once ate 275 jalepenos in 8 minutes.  My kinda guy.

12:22 – MyCleanPC will remove viruses and adware from your computer.  Just install our virus to get started!

12:24 – Well, it’s the Hangar One Vodka blimp.  Nick Cannon is the Honorary Grill Master.  He can eat four hot dogs.  I can eat more hot dogs than the star of Drumline. Pepto-branded thundersticks this year.

12:25 – SportScience is in on this.  Slow-mo chomping and slobbering for your viewing pleasure.  Competitive eaters can bite with 280 lbs of force.  Stomachs expand to hold up to four liters, from usually just one.  Good lord.

12:29 – Time to introduce our competitors.  Maybe they won’t screw up the timing this year.  Adrian Morgan looks like half the guys I went to college with and Pete Davekos looks like the other half.  Damon Wells’ claim to fame is eating a lot of gyoza.  I can pack those away like nobody’s business, so I doubt his ability.  There’s a lot of no-names here to fill out the lineup now that the ladies aren’t eating.  Matt Stonie is 18 and looks like a girl, though.  THE CHINESE ARE SENDING THEIR EATERS IN RED COMMUNIST JUMPSUITS.  While Rocky is fighting Ivan Drago on AMC, we’ve still got a fight against the Red Menace today on ESPN.   Bob Shoudt looks like David Wells at his worst.  Enter Bertoletti, he’s got this headband that he wrote “HENDERSON” on.  I don’t have any info on this.  Eater X was found unconscious in Tangier and raised in America to become one of the greatest eaters in the world.

12:37 – It’s Joey time.  He’s holding his belt high and looks to be in the zone.  He’s my age, makes me wonder what I ever did with my life.  ”I feel like an American eating machine.”  81% of people said that competitive eating is not a sport.  Well, nuts to you, then.  If you’re going to bother to respond to this question with a “no,” then why are you even watching?

12:43 – Rules are reviewed, and they’ve mentioned that you get a yellow card for “messy eating.”  Well, I highly doubt that there’s any actual table manners going on up there.

12:44 – IT HAS BEGUN!  Joey is just going balls to the wall right out of the gate.  Bertoletti’s got a couple on him already, though.  And Joey’s right back in front.  Holy crap, Bertoletti’s face just looks like a meat grinder right now.  ALEX BURROWS REFERENCE.  Minute and a half in and it’s neck and neck.  The new girl guy is not too far out of it, either.  2 minutes in and Joey’s ahead by one.  Already at 20.  Bertoletti seems to prefer red Kool Aid.  Eater X taking third.  3 minutes in and Joey’s got a two dog lead.  The Chinese guys are way too slow.  4 minutes in and it’s still close, but we’ve got a serious run at the record here.  ”EAT FASTER” yells Joey’s brother, Willie.  Halfway through and it’s 38 for Joey, 34 for Bertoletti.  Mention of Joey’s bursitis, which can be a hindrance (he’s an avid fisherman).  With 4 to go, Joey’s already up to 43!  The record is 68!  Look at these guys go.  3 minutes left, Joey’s got 49, Bertoletti is at 44, Eater X a respectable 34.  A good five-dog buffer, and he’s known for finishing strong.  2 to go… Joey with 54!  Officials just keep bringing in more platters.  Here we go, down to the home stretch, with a minute to go Joey’s 12 away from the record.  He hasn’t slowed down once.  Half a minute with 60!  I have heartburn just watching!  IT’S OVER!!!  Joey wins AGAIN!!!

Joey Chestnut – “The Phil Rizzuto of Risotto.”

12:58 – Final Count:  Joey Chestnut 62, Paul Bertoletti 53, Tim “Eater X” Janus 45.  Joey says that he didn’t start as fast as he wanted and “had a little trouble with the water.”  He fought through it, though, and he’s won for the FIFTH YEAR IN A ROW.

Another thrilling event.  I can’t think of a better way to celebrate our great nation’s sovereignty.  USA!  USA!  USA!