Posted on Jan 24th 2011 by Steve.
Once in a while, we tend to find ourselves fascinated by those we typically dislike. This is, of course, the formula for just about any romantic comedy you’ll see dumped in theaters this time of year. Remind me to tell you all about the screenplay I’m working on where the uptight interior decorator (Renee Zellweger) falls for the hot-shot astronaut (Matthew McConaughey). But we also tend to take a liking to entire groups we assumed were taboo to embrace. Klingons, for instance, have been pretty cool for some time now. The same can be said for pirates, and vampires are worth a lot of cash these days. Why, then, don’t we finally give another bunch a chance to find their way into our hearts? I speak, of course, about the French.
Call me crazy, but lately I’ve found myself somewhat fond of those “cheese-eating surrender monkeys,” or at least a select few. Although I am a bit frightened by this realization, I’m also intrigued. Maybe it was that absinthe I tried on my birthday. Probably not, though, because it was kind of gross and I felt no ill effects besides those normally associated with drinking strong spirits. So what is it? Maybe we’ll find out by profiling a few Frenchmen that I happen to like.
I’d like to explain my rating system, which goes on a scale of 0 to 5.
Frenchness: Self-explanitory. Just how French is he? Does he seem to simply exude a French aura about him? Think of this as the “Overall” rating for any player in any sports video game you’ve played since 1992.
Coolness: Although you might assume so, this is not a direct correlation to how many cigarettes the Frenchman in question smokes. But it is a factor, so pay attention.
Creepiness: You have to admit, the French can give you the willies. So, how much?
SVP: Stands for Super Villain Potential. As in every action movie ever made, any Frenchman could be a potential terrorist mastermind or super villain (or even both!). Get to know this imporant factor, because it could save your life. Let’s get started, shall we?
Tony Parker, point guard, San Antonio Spurs
Frenchness: 0.5
Coolness: 4
Creepiness: 1
SVP: 0
Let’s start with an easy one. Tony has been lighting up the NBA for a dozen years as one of the best point guards around. His vision, quick hands, and calm demeanor on the court have made him a three-time All-Star and also a three-time NBA champion, all with the no-nonsense Spurs. It’s easy to rate Tony because although he was brought up in France, he was raised by an American father and Dutch mother. Therefore, it’s like he’s only French by association. Tony is without a doubt very cool, as playing the One Guard spot for one of the best franchises in basketball has got to be a pretty sweet gig. The dude was also married to Eva Longoria for a while, and he’d score a five if he hadn’t allegedly cheated on her. (Come on, bro. You cheated on HER?) Although he’s not quite the level of Steve Nash or Rajon Rondo in the backcourt, Tony is still one of the best at what he does and he helps lead one of the most balanced teams in the game. I doubt a guy with a carreer 5.6 assists per game is capable of being a super villain, anyway.
Vincent Cassel, actor
Frenchness: 4.5
Coolness: 5
Creepiness: 4
SVP: 4
I had never seen Vincent in a movie until I finally got to see Black Swan last week. I knew from the moment we first see his Gallic form that he was going to be both repulsive and fascinating. That probably comes from being a hell of an actor; his performance was key and he pulled it off splendidly. His Frenchness factor is damn near the ceiling, except for the fact that once he can start to look British rather than French. If you squint, you get the impression that he’s what Coldplay’s Chris Martin will look like in twenty years. His coolness is definitely top-tier thanks to his qualities as an actor, fluently speaking several languages, and also for being married to Monica Bellucci. Hey, Tony Parker, maybe if you were a little more French, you’d learn how to stick with a gorgeous wife once in a while. All of this comes at a price, though. Cassel is also quite creepy. Some of his scenes with Natalie Portman in Black Swan took on a squirm-enducing tone, although it works in favor of the plot. Without a doubt, this guy could take over at least two continents if he had access to a giant laser or perhaps stolen nuclear weapons.
Phoenix, rock band
Frenchness: 2
Coolness: 4
Creepiness: 2
SVP: 1.8 (Mean average score)
What’s that, you say? France has produced decent music for once? C’est impossible! Well, you’d better believe it. Phoenix have been around for a while, but they recently gained fame as the band that wrote the song “1901,” or as you might know it better, “That Song From the Car Commercial” or “That Song From NHL 2k10 on the Wii.” I joke, though. These guys’ star has been on the rise for a while now, and their last album, Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix was a solid effort that was dancable and fun. These guys are only as French as they have to be, writing all of their songs in English and seemingly being bored by their heritage, simply saying in Spin Magazine last year, ”Everywhere else, we’re interesting. At home we’re just… French.” Being a rock band makes them automatically cool. However, they remain somewhat creepy due to the fact that hipsters really like their music, and hipsters are a bunch all to themselves. As a band they work, but as a potential league of world-domination seeking super villains, I doubt they’d put together a campaign longer than a couple of months.
Eric Cantona, retired soccer player / “actor”
Frenchness: 4
Coolness: 5
Creepiness: 2.5
SVP: 3
Eric, The King. Cantona was one of the most naturally gifted soccer players the world ever has ever known, and in all likelihood could come out of retirement right this second at the age of 44 and make an impact with any top-flight team. His finest years were the last five of his career, where he helped reestablish Manchester United as one of the world’s best sides. Controversy followed him everywhere he went, whether he was insulting someone important or casually drop-kicking Crystal Palace supporters in the head (I am not making this up). Still, he managed to score 80 goals in his five years with United alone, and that’s including all of the suspension time he amassed. He was about as French as you can get, but his importance to United and English football is undeniable; one point deducted from that score. Cantona also was popping collars way before frat boys today, and his turn as an actor boosts coolness factor. His fiery temper makes him a man not to be trifled with, although his heart’s in the right place. Still, you should use caution when asking him if he’s interested in house-sitting your secret mountain lair.
Eric Ripert, Michelin star chef, super villain
Frenchness: 5
Coolness: 5
Creepiness: 5
SVP: ∞
If you watch Top Chef, then you know who I’m talking about. If you’re big into the culinary scene, if you’re into New York’s biggest restaurants, and if you’re into secret orbital laser installations, then you know all about Eric Ripert. Eric is the best example of the kind of evil mastermind that has a hobby on the side that shows his softer side. After all, the bad guys are always more interesting than the heroes. Some like to paint, others have cats, some collect paintings of cats. Ripert, though, is a chef. When he’s not busy holding the world ransom at orbital laser-point, he’s running the kitchen at Le Bernardin on West 51st, treating you to kobe beef and Japanese blue fin tuna. His welcoming, yet menacing smile keeps Gail Simmons enthralled like Harley Quinn to the Joker. His unparalleled coolness makes Tom Colicchio want to hang out with him all the time, his creepiness is what makes it so hard to tell him he’s just going to call it a night and go home to his family, because dammit, what did he ever do to him? In the end, I guess it’s only Tony Bourdain who can save us all from Ripert’s ruthless reign of terror.
