Once more unto the feast

It’s Independence Day, and here at NP1 that only means one thing… Live blogging the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest from Coney Island.  I’m starting to think that the best way to cover this thing might be to actually be there one of these days.

Mind you, I had to tear myself away from Rockyfest on AMC to do this.  Dedication.

JOEY DINED FOR YOUR SINS

JOEY DINED FOR YOUR SINS

12:00 – The show opens with the Master of Ceremonies pumping up the crowd on a rising cherry picker.  We’re stepping up our game this year, aren’t we?  I love this show.  It’s a muggy day down there… I wonder if that will factor into things?  Some pitchers are really good in the heat, like Tom Seaver.  Can you imagine anybody being capable of mowing down in that kinda heat?

12:03 – ESPN finally has their own booth there overlooking the event.  Renee Herlocker (Hurt Locker?) informs us that we’re going to have a seperate women’s competition.  WHAT?  I love this competition because they let the ladies compete right alongside the fellas.  Other sports this would work in: Golf, pool, bowling.  I mean, hell, if you check out Chikara Pro Wrestling, Sara Del Rey is in the running for their championship at the end of the year.

12:06 – So it turns out that they had the women’s competition already today, so we saw that on tape delay.  Sonya Thomas won with 40, Juliet Lee was tied for second with 29.

12:07 – Poll Question: Is competitive eating a sport?  I’ve already mentioned comic book-inspired pro wrestling, so I guess it is.

12:10 – The comptetitors are shown getting off the bus.  Joey is “hungry and happy.”  He’s going to do whatever it takes to win and perhaps best his world record.  I’m disappointed that he didn’t tell us what he had for breakfast.  HOLY COW, they’re shown eating in Bejing.  Eat a lot and see the world!

12:13 – Showing off the various techniques.  The Joey Hop, the Kobayashi, Dunking, the Axl Rose.  That’s exactly what it sounds like.

12:14 – Where’s Kobayashi, anyway?  He got taken away in handcuffs last year, apparently he’s nowhere to be seen this year.  The crowd is huge, tossing around a Pepto-Bismol branded beachball.  (I think they have a blimp there, I don’t believe it.  Actually, yeah, I do.)

12:18 – Paul Bertoletti video package.  He’s always goofy but certainly committed.  He’s made his way to the #2 spot in the world behind Joey.  He also once ate 275 jalepenos in 8 minutes.  My kinda guy.

12:22 – MyCleanPC will remove viruses and adware from your computer.  Just install our virus to get started!

12:24 – Well, it’s the Hangar One Vodka blimp.  Nick Cannon is the Honorary Grill Master.  He can eat four hot dogs.  I can eat more hot dogs than the star of Drumline. Pepto-branded thundersticks this year.

12:25 – SportScience is in on this.  Slow-mo chomping and slobbering for your viewing pleasure.  Competitive eaters can bite with 280 lbs of force.  Stomachs expand to hold up to four liters, from usually just one.  Good lord.

12:29 – Time to introduce our competitors.  Maybe they won’t screw up the timing this year.  Adrian Morgan looks like half the guys I went to college with and Pete Davekos looks like the other half.  Damon Wells’ claim to fame is eating a lot of gyoza.  I can pack those away like nobody’s business, so I doubt his ability.  There’s a lot of no-names here to fill out the lineup now that the ladies aren’t eating.  Matt Stonie is 18 and looks like a girl, though.  THE CHINESE ARE SENDING THEIR EATERS IN RED COMMUNIST JUMPSUITS.  While Rocky is fighting Ivan Drago on AMC, we’ve still got a fight against the Red Menace today on ESPN.   Bob Shoudt looks like David Wells at his worst.  Enter Bertoletti, he’s got this headband that he wrote “HENDERSON” on.  I don’t have any info on this.  Eater X was found unconscious in Tangier and raised in America to become one of the greatest eaters in the world.

12:37 – It’s Joey time.  He’s holding his belt high and looks to be in the zone.  He’s my age, makes me wonder what I ever did with my life.  ”I feel like an American eating machine.”  81% of people said that competitive eating is not a sport.  Well, nuts to you, then.  If you’re going to bother to respond to this question with a “no,” then why are you even watching?

12:43 – Rules are reviewed, and they’ve mentioned that you get a yellow card for “messy eating.”  Well, I highly doubt that there’s any actual table manners going on up there.

12:44 – IT HAS BEGUN!  Joey is just going balls to the wall right out of the gate.  Bertoletti’s got a couple on him already, though.  And Joey’s right back in front.  Holy crap, Bertoletti’s face just looks like a meat grinder right now.  ALEX BURROWS REFERENCE.  Minute and a half in and it’s neck and neck.  The new girl guy is not too far out of it, either.  2 minutes in and Joey’s ahead by one.  Already at 20.  Bertoletti seems to prefer red Kool Aid.  Eater X taking third.  3 minutes in and Joey’s got a two dog lead.  The Chinese guys are way too slow.  4 minutes in and it’s still close, but we’ve got a serious run at the record here.  ”EAT FASTER” yells Joey’s brother, Willie.  Halfway through and it’s 38 for Joey, 34 for Bertoletti.  Mention of Joey’s bursitis, which can be a hindrance (he’s an avid fisherman).  With 4 to go, Joey’s already up to 43!  The record is 68!  Look at these guys go.  3 minutes left, Joey’s got 49, Bertoletti is at 44, Eater X a respectable 34.  A good five-dog buffer, and he’s known for finishing strong.  2 to go… Joey with 54!  Officials just keep bringing in more platters.  Here we go, down to the home stretch, with a minute to go Joey’s 12 away from the record.  He hasn’t slowed down once.  Half a minute with 60!  I have heartburn just watching!  IT’S OVER!!!  Joey wins AGAIN!!!

Joey Chestnut – “The Phil Rizzuto of Risotto.”

12:58 – Final Count:  Joey Chestnut 62, Paul Bertoletti 53, Tim “Eater X” Janus 45.  Joey says that he didn’t start as fast as he wanted and “had a little trouble with the water.”  He fought through it, though, and he’s won for the FIFTH YEAR IN A ROW.

Another thrilling event.  I can’t think of a better way to celebrate our great nation’s sovereignty.  USA!  USA!  USA!

Irony Watch: Thornton nominated for the Masterson?

I had to chuckle this morning when I saw a headline announcing Bruins enforcer Shawn Thornton had been nominated for the Bill Masterson Trophy.  If you’re not familiar with the many large trophies that are given after every season in the NHL, the Masterson is awarded “to the player who best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to ice hockey.”  The award is given in honor of Bill Masterson, who, in 1968, became the first player in NHL history to die as a result of an injury sustained in a game.

Now, this award usually goes to a player who, at the end of a season, has either A) overcome a serious injury or hardship and returned to the ice or B) has retired after playing a very long career, especially if they’d played for just one team the whole time.  Because of these factors, I happen to like this award a lot.  Past winners include some of my favorite players, such as Cam Neely (knee injuries), Mario Lemieux (Hodgkin’s disease), Pat LaFontaine (serveral concussions), and Ken Daneyko (after getting sober and winning another Stanley Cup with New Jersey).  Some years, you don’t get a feel-good story.  If Marc Savard had been able to make a full comeback this year, he’d win it hands down.  The Bruins will have a finalist this year, the first (I think) since Phil Kessel won in ’07 for coming back from testicular cancer.

Just as surprised as you are

Just as surprised as you are

And it’s Shawn Thornton.  I’m skeptical for one major reason, and that’s because Shawn punches people in the face for a living. Don’t get me wrong, I love him for this very reason.  He’s good at it, and he seems to enjoy it.  Like a lot of goons nowadays, he’s also a great grinder and tries his hardest to get in there and score.  His lack of grace and ability with the stick have prevented him in most cases, but his 9-9-18 line in 76 games this year is actually pretty impressive.  Add in a plus-7 and it’s obvious that he’s doing his job  as a fourth line pest regardless of leading the team with 122 penalty minutes.  He’s also been a big part of community fundraising, bringing in money for Parkinson’s research and the Floating Hospital for Children at Tufts.  And then he goes back to work:

In all honesty, I do think it would be great if Thornton won the award.  He’s one of the most approachable guys in all of hockey, giving plenty of face time to the media and never compromising in what he wants to say.  He loves giving back to the fans and has become a bit of a symbol of the team’s re-dedication to being “big and bad.”  He’s bouncing right back from 40 stitches over his right eye.  And maybe the NHL just wants to look at him as a “reformed goon.”  But unlike guys like Bob Probert or Chris Simon, I don’t think Thornton has ever been looked at as “infamous.”  So even though he’s on a first name basis with every penalty box attendant in the league, it just might be deserved.

Lafleur can’t save you this time!

Finally.

The Bruins and the Habs will finally square off tonight.

I’m almost more excited about this than the Celtics/Heat rematch, which will be on at the same time.

Why you should be watching the Bruins in 2011

All the fuss of this European opening weekend is now behind us.  Things didn’t go entirely as I’d hoped, as the Bruins looked pretty weak in the season opener against Phoenix in Prague.  I didn’t get to watch the second game the next morning, which turned out much better with a shutout victory.  I’d have rather we cut right through the Coyotes in both games, but a split isn’t so bad, I guess.

So now there’s 80 games to go.  And I’m planning on watching as many of them as I can.  I love the Bruins, and you probably know this.  But I’ve got this feeling that it’s all coming together.  The pieces are being put together on the ice and, for once, in the front office.  This, as I’ve been saying to myself all summer, has to be the year.

Expect to see more of this face from Big Z this winter.

Expect to see more of this face from Big Z this winter.

To start with, the team is out for redemption, not just to make up for their improbable meltdown in last spring’s playoffs, but to bring the Stanley Cup back to town after 38 years.  There have been some good Bruins teams between then and now, but this year’s edition just seems to have it, especially in today’s league.  These days, it’s the youth who lead (see the dominant performances of Washington, Pittsburgh, and the champs from Chicago), and boy, do they have that in spades.  Most of the team is in their mid-twenties or younger, and many of them are potential all-stars.  The team’s veterans are just the right kind of veterans, too, the ones who lead by example and add the right kind of character to a team that can win a championship.

This youth movement is quite apparent the league over, and the Bruins have been smart about it.  You don’t have to look further than the offseason acquisitions of Tyler Seguin and Nathan Horton.  The drafting of Seguin comes from last season’s trade of Phil Kessel to Toronto.  It wasn’t expected that Toronto would be as dreadful as they were and the Bruins were happy to be rid of Kessel’s “offense-first, defense-never” mentality.  We missed his goals last season, for sure, so the next step was to trade for someone who knows how to score.  That led to what I consider the best trade of the whole summer, in which Peter Chiarelli sent underperforming defenseman Dennis Wideman to Florida for Nathan Horton.  Being a perrenial 30-goal guy and only 25 years old, Horton is getting a fresh start with a team that seems to know what it’s doing in a town that actually gives a damn about its hockey team.  His pleasure with the situation is apparent: he scored both Bruins goals in the comeback attempt on Saturday and would score again the next day.  He’s the kind of “snarly” guy who we’ve needed on this team for a long time.  Add him up with Seguin, who scored his first NHL goal yesterday and is expected to score buckets more over the years.  For once, we’re getting immediate results from our summer shopping.

Hey Nate, do you like Dunkin Donuts?  Me too!

"Hey Nate, do you like Dunkin' Donuts? Me too!"

The arrival of the new kids isn’t the only great move the front office made this summer.  Cam Neely, my all-time favorite player and a Bruin if I ever saw one, was promoted to team president.  His love of the team and his no-bullshit attitude are going to make things a lot more interesting.  Coach Claude Julien had better keep this team winning or he might be the first victim of #8′s wrath.

The team is also forming quite the core.  Horton and Seguin are joining up with a good group of players.  Zdeno Chara, Patrice Bergeron, David Krejci, Mark Recchi, and Milan Lucic are the key players right now, with Tim Thomas and Tuukka Rask both minding the net.  When Marc Savard is ready to return from post-concussion syndrome and Marco Sturm is back from knee surgery, this will be a very dangerous group of guys.  The dedication to keeping them together was displayed this past weekend when the team extended the contracts of Chara and Bergeron.

Speaking of Chara, his demeanor has been encouraging of late.  The Captain said recently that he’d like to play until he’s 45 (probably why his new extension keeps him in Black and Gold until he’s at least 40), and he’s certainly built for that kind of longevity.  He’s also been pushing himself and his teammates harder.  I don’t know about you, but if the biggest player in NHL history told me to skate harder, I’d do it.

The only thing better than one of them is both of them.

The only thing better than one of them is both of them.

And let’s not forget the goalies.  I love goalies, and the Bruins’ pair are both experts at their trade.  Thomas, the Vezina Trophy winner two years ago, actually lost his starting job Rask, to the team’s Goalie of the Future, during the absolutely horrible stretch the team had in January and February.  Timmy will undoubtedly be trying to get that job back, especially seeing as how his $5 million salary essentially demands that he do so.  Rask isn’t the kind of guy to relinquish that spot without a fight.  Nothing makes two goalies better than friendly competition.  Either way, I feel confident in both of these fiery netminders: Thomas for his experience and Rask for his pure ability.  Throw in the team’s defensive system, and the goals against should be lower than last year.

And so, here’s to the Bruins and their upcoming campaign.  Things get back underway this Saturday against the Devils in New Jersey.

Go to more Tornadoes games

Another Tornadoes game, another losing score come the bottom of the ninth. Can Peterman help rally the fans for a comeback?

The answer, unfortunately, was no.  But there were fireworks afterwards.  USA!  USA!  USA!

Live Blogging the 2010 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

Guess what, America?  Amid all of the parades, pool parties, and fireworks displays, there’s a party going down in one of the happiest corners of the Earth, New York’s Coney Island.  Just like last year, I’m going to do my best to caputre the event as I see it.  Can Joey Chestnut continue to do his nation proud on her 234th birthday, or will a new champion rise?

Fun fact: 669.25 hot dogs were eaten in total by all of last year’s competitors.

Hail to the King.

Hail to the King.

11:58:  Started this.  SportsCenter is showing the first of the pre-game material.  Joey Chestnut is, of course, the favorite, and they showed him limbering up by massaging his esophagus.  Have you EVER heard someone talk about massaging an esophagus?  Anyway, seems that Kobayashi is NOT going to be competing this year.  Something tells me that this is a fake-out.  Then again, I refused to believe that Eddie Guerrero was dead and I thought it was all a ruse to bring him back at WrestleMania.  Then he’d have come out in the middle of the thing and go up to whoever he was feuding with at the time and go, “Thought I was dead, right?  Well guess what, homes?  I lieeeeed!”  That never happened, he was actually dead.  But I digress.

12:03:  Kobayashi is at a “labor impass” with the competitive eating people.  Seeing how much they’re talking about this, I think they’re working up to a last minute swoop-in by Kobayashi.  They just had a graphic comparing Michael Phelps’ daily intake to Joey’s 68 dogs from last year.  Joey ate more than twice the calories Mike did.

12:07:  Heinz is, once again, sponsoring this shindig.  Last week I received the greatest interpretation of the “no ketchup” rule.  “Never put pureed tomato on pureed meat.” – Caitlin Sullivan

12: 11:  The guys and gals just got off the bus.  I love that they get a police escort.  Joey looks confident as ever, but not cocky.  This crowd is absolutely enormous.  I thought last year was huge, but this is ridiculous.  And they brought vuvuzelas.  Tim Janus and Pat Bertoletti are my picks as Joey’s real competition.

12:15:  ESPN 3D ad.  Can you imagine this event in 3D?  I’d rather not.

12:17:  I missed the number to text whether you think the record will fall today.  I think it will, because I think it’s been broken every year for the last five or six years.  Oh, there’s a graphic… It’s pretty close to it.  I guess two years ago there was a dip, probably because of the legendary “eat off.”

12:19:  Piece on eating techniques.  ”Tokyo Style” vs. “The Bean Bag.”  Tokyo Style is when you separate the bun and the dog, dunking the bun while you chow the dog.  Remember, you can only dunk for five seconds.  I’d hate to have a controversial dunking penalty stand in the way of a new record, like a close call at first on the 27th out of a perfect game.  Bean Bag is when you do the jump-up-and-down thing Joey does.

12:23:  There’s a new guy by the name of Bob Shoudt who has apparently beaten Joey a few times in the past year (in other events, not hot dogs).  Intriguing.  He doesn’t look like a threat, though.

12:25:  The eaters will be making their way down “The Gauntlet” on their way to the stage this year, getting up close and personal with the fans.  Very nice.  I just hope they all get escorts so as not to slow things down.  This shit’s got a schedule to keep.

12:30:  I hear Thomas Dolby, and that means it’s time to start introducing the competitors.  Crazy Legs Conti looks like he’s just happy to be there.  Dude’s not in it to win it anymore, but without him, it just wouldn’t feel the same.  Some guy with a mannequin head.  Badlands Booker is already sweating through his shirt.  I love how they make Sonya “Black Widow” Thomas out to be evil.  Fran says “This is the only time she eats, I think.”  Pat Bertoletti is awesome.  Tim Janus is ready.  Joey is looking pumped, “Baba O’Reilly” once again.  That belt gets nicer every year.  Looks like it’s actually worth something now.  The crowd is going NUTS.  This is going to be nothing short of epic.

12: 42:  Kobayashi is in the crowd!  I feel like they’re coaxing him out of there.  He looks like he’s going to an AFI concert.

12:43:  UNDERWAY!  Joey is just going for it right out of the gate.  Crazy Legs is wearing the Snorricam this time.  Joey is in the lead after a minute by 3.  Now 4.  Janus is doing a helluva job.  Black Widow’s technique requires a warning before they cut to her, I think.  2. 5 minutes in, Joey’s still got the lead.  Sonya’s closing in on the top 3.  Bertoletti’s pacing himself but he hasn’t been in the running thus far.  Joey’s doing 7.5 DPM (Dogs Per Minute) right now.  Bertoletti’s in 3rd after 4 minutes.  Looks very very hot down there, hope this doesn’t pose a problem.  Joey’s slowing down a bit.  Not on pace for 70 halfway through… but he could still pull it off.  Kobayashi is still looking intense in the crowd.  Those judges are right in the blow-zone.  Joey’s got a 9 dog lead on Janus with 4 minutes to go.  He’s just plowing through.  Janus is doing his best… maybe a little too good.  Some just came out of his nose.  Shake it off, Tim!  Lots of chants for Joey.  About a minute to go, and it’s no contest.  Joey just needs to coast.  ”Barring a reversal” he’ll walk away with it.  Wait, there he goes!  He’s bringing it on home!  It’s over!

12:53:  Joey starts chugging the Pepto.  Gotta say, without Kobayashi, this was kind of boring.  No head-to-head, down-to-the-wire action.  Final tally gives Joey 54, Janus 45, and Bertoletti 37.

12:57:  Post-meal interview,  Joey says he didn’t drink enough water and he was feeling a little dehydrated.  On Kobayashi: “If he was a real man, he’d be on the stage.”  OH SNAP.  You gonna take that, Kobayashi?  Are you?

Well, good show all around, but it was missing that edge-of-your seat feeling.  But where else can you do this?  Where but in America?  Nowhere.

EDIT:  Kobayashi was arrested after the competition!  Go check it out for yourself. He still has that Gary Oldman in The Fifth Element look to him.

The World Cup is worth your time

Now that ESPN’s broadcast of The Kobe Show (aka their coverage of the NBA Finals) is over, the American sports world can turn their eyes to the World Cup.  I know that most of my readers really don’t care about soccer, but I’ve seen a change in the way people look at the game in recent years.  There’s a long way to go, but I really think that Americans are getting more and more interested.  Or at least they’re thinking about it.

It’s understandable why soccer doesn’t really get people going here.  It’s different.  For one, It’s straightforward.  The object, of course is simple, but the way things are approached are free of unnecessary trappings.  You just can’t touch the ball with your hand and you can’t take the ball while offside (for advanced fans only).  We’ve put many silly rules into American sports, and as fans, we have an encyclopedic knowledge of them.  See: the Three Second Rule in basketball, or anything the NFL invents during the offseason to make the next version of Madden more than just a roster update.

Another thing that I love about the game is the way things flow.  It’s very similar to baseball in the respect that when you go to or watch a soccer match,  you are in for an experience that requires you to see it from beginning to end.  It’s like a play or a movie.  You’ve got the first act, an intermission, and then a second act.  You have no real stoppages; the clock is always ticking (upwards, mind you) so you know that there’s an actual 90 or so minutes to be played, without breaks.  It makes American sports look like clip shows.  I’m not saying soccer is superior or something, I’m just saying… it’s different.  And that’s part of why I love it.

Donovan: Stylin on you.

Donovan: Stylin' on you.

So here in the World Cup, you’ve got the American team fighting for more than just respect.  Watching Team USA play so far this tournament I’ve seen a team that is fully capable of going deep in the knockout stages.  Their tactics are sound, they take risks that end up paying off, and they trust one another.  Barring bad luck calls here and there (the recalled goals against Slovenia and Algeria, primarily), they’ve actually played better than most teams in the tournament.

The great thing about all of this is that it shows that the United States Soccer Federation’s hard work is paying off.  In 1994, when we hosted the World Cup, the USSF kicked off a plan that would theoretically culminate in the US winning the World Cup in 2010.  On the way, the MLS was created, soccer academies sprung up across the nation, and a few recognized world-class players have emerged.  Last summer, we defeated the European champions from Spain and nearly defeated Brazil in the Confederations Cup.  The face of the American program, Landon Donovan, has finally settled into his role as the leader and sparkplug of the team.  Look no further than yesterday’s emotional game and group winning goal to see how far we’ve come.  I’m getting a feeling like this is the 1980 Olympic hockey team all over again.

And one more thing… the finalists in the last World Cup, France and Italy, have not qualified for the Round of 16.  With that and the fact that England and Germany play one another right out of the gate, the new Impossible Dream could indeed come true.

Larry Hasenfus: Baseball Legend

Larry Hasenfus is a former North Brookfield selectman and someone I am always proud to call a friend.  So imagine how excited I was to see this ESPN article posted via Facebook tonight.

Click on Larry to see him at ESPN.com!

Click on Larry to see him at ESPN.com!

It’s a great article with some video, too.  Go give it a look!

Playoff hockey is the only hockey anyone cares about

Do not test The Bear.

I guess that I’m a lucky guy, being someone who has two beloved hockey teams that are both in the playoffs.  The Bruins have managed to stumble up to sixth place in the conference.  This is good stuff.  I guess it gives us a chance of at least getting to the second round, although Buffalo seems to be blessed once again with an otherworldly goalkeeper in the form of Ryan Miller.  The series should be a good one, but the rest of the conference competition is pretty steep.  Should be just another bad springtime trip for the Black and Gold.  At least we should get a killer draft pick, that’s all I really think the team needs.

Oh, yeah, I mentioned that I had two teams in the race.  Well, that wouldn’t be the same race, really, seeing as how it’s the Worcester Sharks.  I saw them clinch the division in person on Saturday night.  They played damn well; the defense was tight and there was nothing but hustle on offense.  It was a real flip from the only other game I saw this year, which was the home opener.  They played pretty badly that night.  I’m thinking they’re headed for the finals if Alex Stalock can build on his 40 wins.

I forget where else I was going with this.  Lost is coming on soon, so I’m a little distracted.  I guess I was just looking for an excuse to post that video… so sue me.

Why I love the Winter Olympics

I’m the kind of sports fan who wishes that ESPN 8 (the Ocho) was an actual channel.  I love learning about sports I didn’t even know existed.  As long as there’s at least two people competing for some sort of trophy, I’m probably going to watch.  That’s why the Olympics are great, and it’s the winter games that I enjoy the most.  Sure, there’s plenty more stuff to see at the summer games, but I’m more about the idea of pushing yourself to the limit in the cold and ice than in nice sunny weather.  Don’t believe me?  Well, here’s my top five winter Olympic events.

I find this photo slightly arousing.

For one, the biathlon is a sport that I’m especially fond of.  I love to watch all of the cross-country skiing events, but I usually find myself saying, “You know what this race needs?  Guns.”  And BAM, there you have it, the biathlon.  I first learned about this sport from the classic C64 game, Winter Games from Epyx and I was stunned.  Who thought this up?  Wasn’t there a James Bond movie that started with Sean Connery jumping out of a helicopter onto a ski-slope?  Was it even Connery?  Well, it was thought up by the Norwegian army.  Good thinking.  After all, how are you going to defend yourself against invading Swedes?

Speed skating is another fave.  My first Olympic memory is seeing it during the ’88 games.  I might’ve even seen Dan Jansen wipe out.  I just thought it was cool as hell to see someone skate so fast with what seemed to be minimal effort.  These days, the short track is what gets me pumped.  It’s like rollerball or something.  In my experience, making a sport faster and smaller in scale will usually make it better in some ways.  Look at arena football.  Yeah, I said it.

No shotgun, youre all sitting in the backseat.

"No shotgun, you're all sitting in the backseat. Stop kicking your brother."

Fast pace is a recurring theme at the winter Olympics.  Try the bobsled.  It combines the luge (which I think is stupid, whether someone died last week or not) and soapbox derby racing (which I think is awesome), and adds a teamwork element.  You end up getting a sport that’s just dangerous enough to think “Those guys are crazy” but in a sled that looks like a nuclear submarine.

TOOOOOOMBAAAAAAAAAAAA

TOOOOOOMBAAAAAAAAAAAA

Downhill skiing is the best kind of skiing, whether you’ve got guns or not, but if pressed, I’d say that it’s the slalom that I love the most.  Nobody did it better than the immortal Alberto Tomba, and he’d be the first to tell you.  These days, though, the skiers fly down the hill so fast that I wonder how a human being can go that fast on snow and ice and not die every single time.  Bode Miller wipes out a lot in the Olympics, but he stays alive, so I guess that has to be worth something.

And of course, I’m sure you could guess what my favorite thing about the winter Olympics is…

Do you believe in a career in motivational speaking? YES!

I love da hockey, and when da hockey is good, I ain’t complainin’.  I can understand when people still grumble about keeping the Olympics as an “amateurs only” competition, but let’s be honest.  If the NBA is allowed to send the Dream Team to the games to (more often than not) destroy the competition every four years, then other team sports should get to do it, too.  Since the NHL has been allowing its best players to represent their countries, there’s been no doubt about who’s got the most talent.  The league didn’t even bother to have an All Star Game this season.  Why have one game with two teams when you could have several teams play for two weeks… in Vancouver, of all places!  From where I’m standing, I’m thinking that the final four this time around will be the U.S.A., Canada, Russia, and Sweden.  After that, who knows, but if the Americans keep playing like they did against Canada the other night, we might have another miracle on our hands.

I’m Morgan Freeman for Visa, and I’ll see you… at the games.