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I have plenty of time to think about stupid crap these days, and when it’s cold and rainy in late June, that tends to happen more than usual.  So, while reading an article about how there are approximately two billion planets like ours in the Milky Way, my mind drifted towards – what else - Star Trek.

I can remember a question back when Star Trek: Voyager got its unfortunate start: aren’t you guys running out of room in the galaxy to meet new aliens?  Of course, the premise of Voyager (and even the superior Deep Space Nine, to a degree) put it simply: of course not.  But it was an idea that stuck in the back of my mind throughout the years.  Eventually, the Federation and other factions in the Star Trek universe are going to run out of places to visit.  After seeing the above article, I realize once again that they’ve barely scratched the surface, if you were to take any Star Trek map seriously.

Fig 1: The relative size of territories in the Alpha and Beta Quadrants indicates th-NEEEEEEERRRRRRRD

Once a question gets answered, though, you tend to end up with more questions.  What I’m pondering now is, how come the only place in the galaxy that you meet all sorts of aliens in one place is the United Federation of Planets?  As you may know (or not, if you have a life), the UFP is the Roddenberrian utopia in which everybody gets along, nobody needs to work a day job, and everyone is on the metric system.  Strangely, there’s only one planet where they still play baseball.  In the UFP, you’ve got humans, Vulcans, Andorians, Bolians, Tellarites, Betazoids, and countless other races living together in perfect harmony.  Essentially, as the Federation expands, they treat everyone they come across with an “I’m okay, you’re okay” attitude and ask them to join their club.  If yes, cool, if not, no big deal.

Meanwhile, there’s other reaches of the galaxy where you’ve got the stock “other races,” like the Klingons, Romulans, Cardassians, the Borg, etc.  Not all of these are “bad guys,” but they’ve got quite a bit of territory and differing ideologies.  What I’m beginning to realize is, whenever you see the bridge of a Klingon ship, you only see Klingons.  Same for the rest of the guys I listed.  What does this say about their modus operandi?  It varies per race, of course.  The Klingons are kind of like vikings, getting into fights and singing songs around campfires, but they’ve still got families at home.  The Romulans are Vulcans who got fed up with the whole “you can only have sex once every seven years” thing and adopted a Roman aesthetic.  The Cardassians are like the Greeks – Athenian home life with Spartan discipline everywhere else.  But we hardly ever see other alien races within their ranks.  I remember a guy from the Federation defecting to the Romulan Empire once, but that was actually better for a laugh than anything.

You have to assume that, like the UFP, these other races encountered different aliens as they expanded.  What happens to them?  When it comes to say, the Borg, they just Borgify you and that’s it.  The Cardassians enslaved people, most notably the Bajorans; this was one of the major plot devices at the start of DS9.  The Klingons aren’t into such things and are above genocide as well.  The Romulans, however, put the genetically similar Remans into labor camps for decades, so who knows what would happen to someone they don’t look like?

Finally, an excuse to use this joke.

Curiously, there’s one major faction that allowed other races to serve among their ranks, the Dominion.  Unlike the UFP, however, the Dominion were solely motivated by power.  Their methods included diplomacy, as well as infiltration and manipulation; when those didn’t work, they conquered you.  On the surface they appeared to be another example of harmonious living.  Instead, it was an interstellar facist state controlled through fear – by a mysterious group of aliens who convinced their subordinates of being gods.

Maybe a lot of this can be attributed to the fact that the whole of the Star Trek canon has been developed over several decades, and with each era comes different motivations.  Like all good sci-fi, Trek has been holding a mirror to the important issues of the day.  The Klingon conflicts represented Cold War relations with the Russians (watch Star Trek VI for the happy ending), the Romulans were born out of race relations and took off from there, and so forth.  DS9 used Bajor as a stand-in for the Middle East – politically and theologically – throughout its run.  The Borg were just scary all around.

What I’m trying to say is, from the writing standpoint, all of these races were intended to be broad.  When the story continues to develop, though, you have to develop the groups that are involved.  Why didn’t we get to see varied ranks on other ships?  Because the writers didn’t think of it.  Yes, even when you take it that seriously, you’ve got to remember: it’s just a TV show.

"Here's your toll, Troll."

EDIT: Now is as good a time as ever to point out that Mac from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia looks just like this guy.

It’s all your fault, Adam Richman.

You turned a hobby into a competition.  You proved that you don’t have to eat faster than a Japanese man to make eating into sport.  If Joey Chestnut is the Roger Federer of chowing down, then you are a gold medalist at the training game in Wii Sports Tennis where you knock the bricks out of the wall.  Like most of this country, I’ve become a huge fan of your TV show, Man Vs. Food.  I’m picking up pointers, and not just for finding great places to eat, but how to eat what they offer.

You magnificent bastard.

Start with the protein.  Save the starch for the end.  It’s the only way you have a chance.  I knew this already, but it’s like perfecting your form during any sporting event.  Like swinging a bat, or working on your jump shot.  You just keep working at it until it becomes second nature.  You have it down pat, Adam, and even better, you still manage to enjoy the food.  That is, until you’re sweating, breathing heavily, and struggling to keep fighting through a trough of red-skinned mashed potatoes and a five dollar milkshake.

You also have ladies clinging to you thanks to your lovable demeanor, Semitic good looks, and great hair.  You have also eaten wings with Joba Chamberlain.  You are a god among men.  I shall follow you into Mordor.

Your influence, Mr. Richman, is becoming an everyday thing.  Take, for instance, my recent obsession with eating big breakfasts.  I’m not one of these people who eats a breakfast every day.  If I do, it’s on the run, thanks to Dunkin’ Donuts.  But you can only go so far on an egg white and cheese sandwich (on a biscuit at participating locations).  So that’s why I love to get a huge breakfast into me, even if it’s late at night.  Being stuck in Worcester after ballgames gives you plenty of opportunity for such things.

Pat and I hit a Tornadoes game a while back (it was the game this video came from) and we were starving afterwards.  I suggested the Boulevard Diner for a change of pace, and I took the opportunity to take on the Big Bully.  Here’s the before shot:

The bottom three plates were mine. Pat took the easy way out.

Sausage, bacon, ham, home fries, at least two eggs (I think it was three, to be honest), and two pancakes about the size of a hovercraft.  No toast, though.  I would have had some if it was offered.  Moving left to right, here was the result:

You are small-time.

In this battle of Steve Vs. Huge Breakfast at Midnight to Combat Baseball Beer, Steve won.  I now see it as my personal duty to order the biggest breakfast at any place offering it past noon, and devour the whole thing.  God bless America.

Yeah… about that.  There’s plenty of folks out there who don’t get to eat this well.  It’s the holidays, so the food pantries have been running their campaigns at full force… but this isn’t the only time of year they need help.  Try pitching in more often.

From: Lt. Cmdr. Data (data@starfleet.ufp.com)
To:  Cmdr. Riker (willisnumber1@starfleet.ufp.com), Dr. Crusher (wesleysmom345572@starfleetmedical.com), Lt. Cmdr. LaForge (VISORGUY@engineeringsingles.com), Lt. Cmdr. Troi (Imzadi4U@starfleet.ufp.com), Lt. Worf (son_of_mogh@starfleet.ufp.com)
Re:  The poker game

Everyone:

I would like to begin by saying that I regret cutting our poker game the night of 44857.3 short.  It would seem that we have the unfortunate habit of scheduling our games when disaster strikes.  We have had to discontinue play on 23 occasions; 8 Romulan encounters, 6 altercations with Klingons unaware of the Khitomer Accords, 3 murders of dignitaries staying on board as our guests, 3 interventions between Cardassians and the Maquis, 2 Borg assimilation attempts, and one (1) fire drill.  We have also been interrupted by three temporal disturbances, but one of those instances involved our being caught in a temporal causality loop.  Therefore, it is impossible to tell exactly how many times we were interrupted.  After our most recent game, it would seem that “Non-corporeal beings possessing crew members” can be added to this list.  I must admit that I am surprised that it took this long.

In my quest to be more human, I have called up a popular 21st century song about poker in the ship's computer by a woman named "Lady Gaga."

I suggest that we schedule our next game for next Thursday.  We will be patrolling the Briar Patch, which will provide us with enough down time in which nothing could possibly go wrong.

I would also like to make a few suggestions for the next game.  To begin with, we should be sure to have the proper replicator configuration for refreshments.  I am not familiar with them, but I find that the formula for Lt. Worf’s cheese-flavored corn snacks must be faulty.  Is it normal for them to produce such an orange residue?  He constantly had to wipe his hands on his uniform trousers.  Another refreshment-related issue seems to stem from Commander Riker’s displeasure with the syntheholic beverages we shared.  As I recall, he made several remarks to it being “swill,” “bitch beer,” and “something a Mizarian would drink at a rager.”  Perhaps Guinan would be willing to host this game in Ten Forward?  One more note: all of the apparent joking about playing an ancient variant of the game known as “strip poker” may be best put aside, as Geordi tells me that “nobody wants to see Worf naked.”  I am sorry, Lieutenant, but you just never seem to win.

I look forward to our next game.  Good luck.

Your dealer,

Data

It’s been a little over a week since Lost took its emotional curtain call, and it’s given me time to mull over the characters that I would put at the top of my list.  Good thing, too, because there’s plenty to say now that we have the full picture (however you want to look at it).  In fact, there’s some characters (Hurley especially) that I wish I could bump up the list a little further,  but it’s a little late for that now.  It was sad to say goodbye, but thanks to DVDs, going back to the Island won’t be so difficult anymore.  I can’t wait to start over from the beginning and see it straight through to the end.

So let’s get on with it, shall we?

In Season 4, Sayid's hands were turned into guns by Jacob.

#5 – Sayid Jarrah: One of the most detailed characters in the series, Sayid was a man of many talents and he was damn good at all of them, good or bad.  Incredibly loyal to those he loved, highly resourceful, and intensely passionate, there were many sides to the former Iraqi Republican Guard officer.  Sayid was always trying to wash away his past sins, notably his time as a torturer and later working as a hitman for Ben Linus off the Island.  Could a man capable of doing such terrible things, a “born killer,” also have the heart to set things right?  Well, Naveen Andrews tried every week to convince you that he could.

This was most evident in the final season, in which Sayid had to prove himself by making the ultimate sacrifice to save his friends.  I called this his “Darth Vader Moment,” as saving their lives would cost him his own after a redeeming turn of heart.  Sayid’s move to the Dark Side was similar enough to Anakin Skywalker’s own fall (the promise of saving someone you love from death), although not quite as silly.  Still silly, in execution, though.  It’s no secret that Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cruse (aka Darlton) are huge Star Wars fans, so you can take that for what it’s worth.  I know what was up.

If you see this when you're playing poker, you're about to lose.

#4 – James “Sawyer” Ford: The ladies want him and the fellas want to be him.  Good-looking, smooth-talking, quick-witted, well-read, and just all-around cool.  Not to mention a hell of a con man.  Sawyer was a great supporting character, but when the spotlight was on him, he owned it.  Josh Holloway turned this “complex guy” from someone you loved to hate to just plain loved in only a few episodes.

His arc is one of the better redemption stories in the series.  Initially looking after only himself, Sawyer soon became part of Jack’s “live together, die alone” philosophy and even gave up on the idea of leaving the Island in order to let his friends have a better shot at it.  That sacrifice resulted in one of the show’s best romances (with Juliet) and helped Season 5 reach levels of true greatness.  There’s plenty more to Sawyer (his quest for revenge on the man who killed his parents, butting heads with Jack over Kate, etc.), and that’s all the more reason to smile when he’s onscreen.

One of the only non-contorted faces I could find.

#3 – Jack Shephard: Why do I love Jack?  That’s a question I’ve been asking myself since I started planning this article.  Just because he’s the main character isn’t good enough.  What was it about Jack that made him and the show worth watching?  If he went wrong, then people wouldn’t keep watching.  Jack was the key.  And here’s why, at least from my perspective.

When Lost began, Jack was the “man of science” in opposition to Locke’s “man of faith.”  Early on, it was the show’s mysteries that kept it so engaging.  Why was the Island such a special place?  What was in that hatch?  What was the deal with those numbers?  Who were the Others?  Who built those statues?  Jack, being the presumed lead, helped set the tone.  It was all about learning the answers to the questions.  As the show continued and answers were coming (albeit slowly), the show became more character driven.  The questions were now directed to them and what their purpose was.  These questions were more abstract, and upon Jack’s return to the Island, he was now in search of these answers himself.  He knew he was supposed to go back for a reason, and it took him a long time to understand his mission.  I look at Jack’s role as being central to the Lost experience because of this.  I looked at Lost the same way he looked at the Island.  Matthew Fox did a great job of bringing viewers along for the ride and I credit him with making it as engaging as it was.

That’s not to say that Jack himself wasn’t much to keep watching for.  You cared about Jack because of his purity.  Sure, he wasn’t perfect, but no one is.  He was, however, selfless.  That’s obvious by his choice to take up Jacob’s mantle and save the Island in the end.  He was also caring.  He was born to be a doctor and his drive to “fix” people and situations was a key component of his personality.  He was a great hero and made the show his own.

You are now very creeped out.

#2 – Benjamin Linus: Lost was full of villains, but there was none more compelling than Ben Linus.  I really think that a whole thesis could be done on what motivated Ben to do the things he did, whether it be to murder the whole DHARMA Initiative in the name of the Island, kidnap Alex Rousseau and raise her as his daughter, or keep Juliet on the Island for years, just to name a few.  Could it be an unhappy childhood?  Probably.  Manipulation by the Man in Black?  Quite possibly.

But the crazy thing is, Ben was fun to watch.  The bad guys are always more interesting, and Michael Emerson was nothing short of superb in his performance.  Some of the best episodes of the series (“The Shape of Things To Come” is one of my favorites) are Ben’s.  You always seem to think that maybe, just maybe, Ben’s heart is in the right place… and then he does something awful to change your mind.  It’s not until he stabs Jacob that you see that he’s being manipulated, and from there on out, you want to see Ben make good.  Then comes his heart-wrenching breakdown in “Dr. Linus,” and another lost soul is redeemed.  Getting a new gig as Hurley’s #2 in the end can’t be so bad.  Here’s hoping Emerson gets a role half as juicy in the near future.

Don't tell him what he can't do.

#1 -  John Locke: There was no one more fascinating on the Island than Mr. John Locke.  All his life, he tried to make sense of his life and to justify his existence.  After being put in a wheelchair by his estranged father (who conned him into giving him a kidney, for crying out loud), Locke gets his legs back and a fresh start on the Island.  Swearing to protect it, he does things that seem irrational and sometimes even downright wrong.  Still, the resident “man of faith” plugged on, knowing the Island was a special place and that it was his destiny to be there.  Unfortunately, it was this faith that led the Man in Black to use him in his plot to destroy it.

Terry O’Quinn, who up until this point was really only known for being in The Stepfather and one of the all-time best Next Generation episodes, proves himself a truly gifted actor every time he’s on screen.  Every Locke-centric flashback features a man who’s unsure of himself and frustrated, not really able to make sense of things.  On the Island, though, his belief in its power makes him stronger.  One of the show’s greatest moments involves an argument over the significance of “the button” in the Swan Station.  Locke asks Jack why he finds it so hard to believe in fate and there being a reason for everyone to be together.  Jack, in return, asks why he finds it so easy.  Locke gives quite likely the best answer you can: “It’s never been easy.”  There’s an internal conflict in Locke, but he knows he’s right.

But wait, there’s more.  The big twist at the end of Season 5 reveals that Locke, murdered by Ben off the Island, has not in fact been resurrected… and that the Monster has taken his form.  This sets up the final confrontation between Good and Evil on the Island, and O’Quinn now gets to play the villain.  He’s chilling and almost seductive in trying to pull people in for his own gain.  The funny thing is, I had wondered early on in my viewing of the show if Locke would ever become a villain in his own right, because it made sense to me to pit him against Jack in a truly antagonistic way.  I’m glad that never really happened, but I still thought it was neat that the villain would, as Jack put it, wear his face.

That does it for this countdown.  Here’s to one of the best TV shows of all time, and to all of the great characters we met along the way.  See you in another life, brotha.

Hey kids, it’s time to head back to the Island for the second installment of my character countdown.  Now we can start really getting into the good stuff… the strongest characters are forthcoming, some of whom you’ll see here.  One or two, though, might be personal preferences, but you can go start your own damn blog if you don’t agree.

Once again, look out for spoilers if you haven’t caught up and want to see it all for yourself.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a good shot of these two?

#10 – Jin and Sun Kwon: I realize I’m kind of cheating by putting two people on the same spot, but when you look back on the story of the Kwons, you have to agree that keeping them apart would be a terrible thing to do.  After all, you could get them kidnapped, blow them up, and send them back through time and they’d still end up finding one another.  They were the soap opera Super Couple of Lost, and their recent demise was both sad and heartwarming.

Not to say that they depended on one another to be great.  Jin was a mafia-style hitman working for Sun’s father, went on to learn English, traveled back through time and worked for DHARMA, and escaped death several times.  Sun had a baby, despite being conceived on the Island (thought to be impossible), became a part of the Oceanic Six, and took over her father’s car company.  Jin/Sun episodes are always great, and the twist in storytelling offered by “Ji Yeon” was one of the show’s saddest, but greatest, moments to that point.

Heeeeyyy, this kitten's got claws.

#9 – Kate Austen: One of the most curious characters on Lost is undoubtedly Kate.  Off the Island, she was a fugitive from the law, running for years because she murdered her abusive father by blowing up his house.  Although you can understand why she’d want to do something like this, you have to understand that as good a person as she is otherwise, she still blew a guy up while he was sleeping.  What makes her story so interesting is not what she did or the fact that she always runs away when the fuzz are on her tail.  It’s the way her story shows that when you get to the Island, nothing you did in your past life matters.  When you’re there, you can start over again.  If you’re foolish enough to want to leave, like she did in Season Four, you quickly realize that there was nothing for you to go back home to.

What’s unfortunate about Kate is that a good actress like Evangeline Lilly, playing a great character, gets stuck with the crummiest episodes.  It’s not that the stories were no good, they would just drag.  It was better to have Kate around and see what was happening to her on the Island as opposed to her melodramatic former life.  On the Island, she’s resourceful, tough, and a leader.  She’s also the focus of the show’s love triangle.  Off the Island, she runs, thinks she’s safe, and then has to pick up and run again by the end of the episode.

And it doesn’t hurt that she is adorable, too.

Slightly more my speed.

#8 – Juliet Burke: Elizabeth Mitchell’s was the first face we saw in Season Three, going from happy, to sad, to angry, before becoming that sort of spaced-out brand of pleasant that you reserve for Book of the Month Club meetings with people you hate.  That’s understandable when you’ve been tricked into coming to a mysterious island and not allowed to go home and see your dying sister.  So what’s a girl to do?  Screw over your boss and help the people who hate him escape.  But for a while, you don’t know whose side she’s on.  Her desire to get off the Island overrules everything else, and unlike Jack or Kate, or anyone else for that matter, she’s the one person you actually want to see get away.

What I love about Juliet is her multi-faceted lifestyle.  She’s a mild-mannered fertility doctor who becomes a hardass when she essentially joins the Others.  Soon enough she’s shooting guns, speaking Latin, and kicking ass when the time comes.  She even finds time to settle down with Sawyer when they end up in the 70′s.  The only thing that stinks is that she ends up being killed off so that Mitchell could end up on V.  At least she smashed a nuclear bomb with a rock to do it.  Now that’s hardcore.

I guess you could say that in the long scheme of things, Juliet is like Maryann to Kate’s Ginger.  I don’t know about you, but it makes sense to me.

The pioneer of Guyliner.

#7 – Richard Alpert: Take a look at that man for a second.  I’m not ashamed to say that that is a beautiful man.  He’s Richard Alpert.  He can live forever.  He’s the coolest son of a bitch on the Island.  If you don’t get pumped when Richard shows up, you lack a soul.  It’s as simple as that.

The joke is, Richard is essentially babysitting the Island until Jacob’s replacement arrives.  We wait and wait for him to answer some of the biggest questions, and in the end, he’s in the dark like the rest of us.  This is the kind of job where you’d think you would be in on some trade secrets.  As a trade-off, you get the gift of immortality.  I guess that’s fair, but living forever ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.  What does the end hold for Richard?  That’s one question I’m both excited and anxious to see answered.

I'll see you in another blog, brotha.

#6 – Desmond Hume: As a general rule, I love Scottish people.  This only helps Desmond Hume add more points to his tally as one of the show’s best characters.  Desmond is the Island’s biggest wildcard:  the rules don’t apply to him when it comes to time travel, and he seems to be impervious to strong currents of electromagnetic power.  He’s practically a superhero in this regard, but like most superheroes, he just wants to be a regular guy and sail the world with his wife and little boy.  But you know the drill by now: if the Island isn’t done with you, your work isn’t done.  And just as the time travel element seems too confusing to bear, Desmond’s always there to right the ship.  To put it the way Daniel Faraday would, “He’s our constant.”

Never mind the fact that Desmond is a very special individual.  The history of his love for Penny Widmore is good enough to keep anyone watching regardless of his adventures in (and out of) time.  From the moment we first met him in locked up in the Swan Station to when the Man In Black tossed him down a well, Desmond’s always been someone we wanna see more of.  Now it’s up to Jack and Co. to save him… and for Dez to carry us to destiny.

Stay tuned… the top five characters will be up soon.

The end is upon us, Lost fans, as there’s only two new first-run episodes before a mega-jumbo sized finale.  That’s why I’ve decided to help celebrate with a three-part article that looks at a handful of my favorite characters from the show.  I had been looking to start this thing a couple of weeks ago, but combined with the difficulty of picking the right characters plus the fact that the story isn’t done being told, I’m only getting started now.

Oh, and by the way, if you’re still getting caught up on DVD, there’s going to be lots of spoilers ahead.

Crazy ideas come from people who are so smart... they're crazy.

#15 – Daniel Faraday:  Brilliant, awkward, and quirky, Daniel parachuted onto the Island and into our hearts halfway through the series run.  It didn’t take long for the show to ramp up its weirdness factor as he and his scientist/mercenary friends helped set the table for the Oceanic Six, time travel, and everything else to come.  Jeremy Davies (not Corey Feldman as it turns out) creates one of the best “token scientist” characters of all time, thanks being to the writers for creating an interesting human being who happens to understand quantum physics better than anyone ever could.  He also doesn’t mind that nobody knows what he’s talking about.  His “skipping record” explanation for the anomalous time warp that hits the Island in Season Five is brief but the perfectly effective.  It also doesn’t hurt that Davies is just a great actor in general (Saving Private Ryan and Steven Soderberg’s remake of Solaris are just two other performances worth seeing), and his addition to the cast was one of the series’ greatest coups, at least until the woman who turned out to be his mother shot him dead.

(Edit:  I forgot to point out that Daniel also deserves recognition for never taking his tie off, no matter the situation.  That’s classy.  Credit goes to Lynn for reminding me.)

First Middle Earth, and now this

#14 – Charlie Pace:  Charlie was one of the most interesting people on the Island;  he was a bassist in a thinly veiled stand-in for Oasis, heroin addict, and adoptive father of the first baby born on the Island.  But once we were through with the first two seasons, new friend Desmond would alert Charlie to a rather frightening prospect:  Charlie was cursed, and he was going to die in a rather unpleasant way whether he liked it or not.  This spurred an ongoing joke of sorts, in which Desmond had to save Charlie from imminent death several weeks in a row.  That is, of course, until he had to die.  The great thing about it is that Charlie was one of the many redemption arcs in the series, recovering from substance abuse and becoming one of the stronger voices among the survivors.  His death is one of the defining moments in the show, for its emotional impact as well as the image it leaves.  Dominic Monaghan brought plenty of humor to the table in this role, and is greatly missed from the regular cast.

Snarky comment in 3... 2... 1...

#13 – Miles Straume:  I first noticed Ken Leung in one of the very last episodes of The Sopranos, playing one of Uncle Junior’s friends at the psych ward where he would spend his final days.  Leung’s performance was both hilarious and frightening, a young man with great cunning but incredible anger issues.  A couple of years later, along with Davies, he landed on the Island and immediately became a favorite character.  Miles came to the Island to be his team’s special interpreter.  Only thing is, he’s interpreting the thoughts of the Island’s dead.  Initially, Miles seems like a throwaway character, but he’s given an excellent flashback episode and much more backstory than you’d expect.  Most of all, though, he has managed to outdo everyone, including Sawyer, in the one-liner department.  Another great mid-series casting decision by the Powers That Be.

Sweet berry wine!

#12 – Jacob:  Since the second season, the name “Jacob” has been used plenty of times, all of them accompanied by an ominous swell of Michael Giacchino’s brilliant score.  Thing is, we didn’t even know if this Jacob dude was real.  So when the fifth season finale opened with two new faces sharing a philosophical conversation over a freshly caught red herring, we finally had a face to put with the name.  Mark Pellegrino is compelling in the role, and oddly enough, he dies at the end of his very first episode.  Not to worry, though; as time and death tend to be irrelevant on Lost, we haven’t seen the last of the Island’s guru.  He and the mysterious Man in Black finally get their flashback in tonight’s new episode.  (Next day edit:  Turns out Jacob is a mama’s boy and the MiB is his brother.  Heh.)

Dude.

#11 – Hugo “Hurley” Reyes:  Oh, Hurley.  Is anyone on this island more lovable and pure of heart?  I doubt it.  Everyone’s got their demons, but when it comes to Hurley, he’s just got bad luck.  Still, he takes it all in stride.  As the show has evolved, though, he’s become a very important person in the grand scheme of things.  Jorge Garcia embodies the kind of guy you wish you could be best friends with – funny, dependable, and sincere.  Not to mention being fully prepared to build a golf course or rewrite The Empire Strikes Back to make it even better than before.  And you just have to feel for a guy who can speak to the dead but still hasn’t heard from the murdered girl he loved.  If you’ve got the DVD sets and haven’t seen his audition tape (in which he reads for Sawyer!), you have to take a look.  You’ll see exactly why the writers fell in love and created a role just for him.

Well, that’s all for now.  Keep an eye out for numbers 10 to 6 within the week.

If you were to ask The Most Interesting Man in the World what he watches on TV (if ever), he’d probably say, “I don’t always watch network television, but when I do, I prefer ABC.”  I figure this is true because instead of rehashing the same hourlong drama five times a week like other networks, ABC a well-rounded schedule.  I only watch four first run shows on ABC right now (Lost, Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution, The Middle, and Modern Family), but that tally makes it the major network that I watch more than any other.  Looks like it’s their turn to be on top, as this sort of merry-go-round between ABC, NBC, and CBS (sorry, Fox) always seems to stop in favor of one network for a couple of years until things get stale.  Then you take another spin and repeat the process.

I’ve talked about Lost before, and with the show winding down, I’ll be talking about it plenty in the weeks to come.  It’s the comedies that I’m concerned with tonight, especially seeing as how they’ll be coming on in a couple of hours.  Modern Family is this year’s breakout comedy, being similar in presentation to The Office, but funny.  The cast is stellar and the writing is very sharp.  This is to be expected of the production duo of Steve Levitan and Christopher Lloyd, who have the likes of Frasier, The Larry Sanders Show, and Just Shoot Me to their combined credit.  In all likelihood, Modern Family will be at least nominated for every comedy Emmy they can.  Winning may be harder to do, simply because The Office has been on TV for about 17 years now and is still a critical darling.

Phil Dunphy, yo!

The Middle is different, but just as funny (sometimes, arguably funnier) than Modern Family.  It’s a star vehicle for Patricia Heaton, but is also a deserved showcase for Neil Flynn, who was on Scrubs or something, but don’t let that fool you.  It’s warm and quirky, but given a chance, it could be a big hit in its own right.  The problem is ABC themselves.  Again and again, I find myself being driven away from watching more ABC programming because of the poor quality of their promos.

Here’s an example.  ABC is currently showing the remake of the classic sci-fi series V, which originally aired on NBC, a plot to confuse the hell out of me.  Anyway, for all I know, V is a kickass show.  The original was insanely popular from what I gather; I can’t be sure because it’s as old as I am.  I can only imagine that if the remake is handled by some competent people, it should be rather entertaining.  Only problem is, the ads are so badly edited and hokey that I can only assume that it sucks.  Elizabeth Mitchell left Lost for this!  It better be worth her time because I could really use me some Juliet Burke on The Island right about now.

Editing isn’t the only thing, I can’t stand the guy who does their voiceovers, either.  Every network has a designated voiceover guy.  I think that Fox has the best one, followed by CBS, and then NBC.  ABC’s guy essentially has two modes:  Comedy Mode and Serious Drama Mode.  Comedy Mode is used for everything but ads for Lost or Grey’s Anatomy.  I’ve seen Grey’s and it doesn’t deserve any promotion at all.  But this guy does very goofy promotion for Cougartown and then turns around and does the same thing with this new Twin Peaks-looking program called Happy Town.  Meanwhile, he’ll get ominous for Lost and outright lie about what’s going to happen.  Example:  a few weeks back, Lost gave us a spectacular episode focusing on Ben Linus.  It was a great hour of TV, but the preview essentially said “Next week on Lost: BEN DIES.”  This didn’t happen.  Far from it;  Ben finally became genuinely likable in this episode and you were incredibly happy that he didn’t get his.

So does ABC deserve to be doing so well?  I’d say so, they have good programming on and they’ve put serious production value into the shows, just not the promotion.  It’s a wonder anyone is watching in the first place.

Oh.  I almost forgot Dancing with the Stars.  Now that I think about it, that tips the scales the wrong way, now doesn’t it?

You ever have one of those days?  You know what I’m talking about, we all do.  It’s just a cliche.  But when you have one of those days, you likely have one thing on your mind when you get home: turn on the TV.  Unless you’re an alcoholic.

If you’re like most people, you get home in the evening.  I feel as if I’ve been conditioned to expect certain shows to be on from 5 to 7, but I’ve been pretty disappointed with my choices lately.  For example, at one point there are two channels playing The Office at the same time.  What’s the point of having two stations play the same show in the same time slot?  Maybe so that people can skip the episode on one channel because they didn’t like it or something, but it’s still a stupid idea as far as I’m concerned.  I don’t like The Office, myself.  I told people that I liked it, but I had only seen something like three episodes in the first couple of seasons, and on two of those occasions, I was watching it in a bar and couldn’t hear what was going on.  Besides, I don’t see why I would want to come home from work and watch a show about being at work.  Another problem I often have is deciding which show I’m not tired of watching.  I love The King of Queens and Everybody Loves Raymond equally.  If you asked me what the best sitcoms of the Aughts were, those might be numbers One and Two, although I haven’t seen all of Arrested Development.  Thing is, I typically find myself watching one of these shows night after night before getting tired of it after three or four months, and then I switch to the other.

What I’m really in the mood for is to have a lineup of the three shows I know I’ll never get tired of watching:  Seinfeld, The Simpsons, and Star Trek: The Next Generation. A nice three hour block of those shows is what I could really use to unwind after a long day.  Seinfeld, thankfully, has aged very well.  I remember people saying that they were afraid that it would become dated in this post-9/11 world, but if anything, I laugh harder at the jokes now than I did when they first aired.  Of course, I was a teenager when the series ended, but you know what I mean.  I appreciate Seinfeld more now.  I love how the show takes on its own little universe, a Bizzaro World, if you will, like most great shows do, but theirs is quite distinct.  There’s no New York like the one Jerry lives in.  I have also come to really appreciate Julia Louis-Dreyfus’s performance throughout the series.  There hasn’t been another woman in comedy who’s pulled off such a lovable and funny character since Elaine.

"Now where's my giant foam hat and air horn?"

I never shy away from The Simpsons, even the “newer” episodes.  To me, “new” episodes are anything from the last ten years.  Kids who will be graduating from high school this June never knew a world without the show.  Imagine that.  Even though I am one of the grumpier fans who thinks that the show lost its true comedic edge around the same time Phil Hartman died, I will still watch no matter how crappy the episode is.  After Seinfeld, there is no better show to have an entire conversation with coworkers purely using its dialogue.

And of course, you can’t forget Star Trek: The Next Generation.  I can still remember seeing the premiere of “Encounter at Farpoint” when I was four years old.  When people talk about shows they grew up on, this is what they mean.  Thanks to reruns, I’ve probably watched the show in its entirety at least three times through by now, and every time I see it, I enjoy it more and more.  Mostly because it just gets funnier to me, which is what Star Trek does to people.  Any show with a great cast of characters will do that.

Maybe for you it’s a little different.  Maybe you prefer The A Team.  I dig that.  Or maybe you still love M*A*S*H.  That’s understandable.

So come on, syndicated television stations of America.  You know what we want.  We want laughs.  We want escapism.  Then at 8, we want to change the channel to whatever the real channels are showing.  Don’t feel bad, that’s what you do.  It’s your lot in life.

The new motto of NP1 is “Playing catch-up since 2001,” and a couple of weeks ago I took another step towards seeming relevant when it comes to technology:  I bought an HD TV.  Now, I know that there’s plenty of folks out there who don’t have HD (and quite frankly, it’s not essential), but it’s getting to the point now that if you don’t have HD, you’re missing out.  It’s like my mother says about when Star Trek was first on TV and not everybody had color TVs.  It was getting to the point where if you didn’t have the newest, nicest TV, you were missing out.

But without a color TV, how will you know?

I knew I was starting to miss out over the past year.  Little by little, I could tell that the widescreen aspect ratio of HD was becoming the new standard of videography for television.  I remember watching House a couple of months ago and watching as House and Foreman sat at opposite sides of the table, arguing over a lupus diagnosis.  At least, I had to infer this, because I heard their voices, but they were both cut off by my standard screen.  I only had Chase in the frame, looking listless and wan.  There’s plenty of other offenders (Verizon ads make no effort to take 4:3 into effect), and it gets on my nerves.  Try watching a David Lean movie that’s been “formatted to fit your TV.”  Try watching a David Lean movie in general, for that matter, you need a little culture in your life.

And so I went on the hunt for just the right TV to fit my needs.  Big, but not too big.  Capable of displaying 1080p resolution at a decent refresh rate.  And all for a price that won’t kill me.  When it came down to it, I went with a 32″ Insignia set that I’m quite pleased with.  I have a CRT made by Insignia (Best Buy’s store brand) which is quite good for standard def, so I felt pretty safe with the purchase.

The arrival of HD has caused a recent surge in hot-air balloon programming.

There was, of course, a bit of a learning curve.  I thought I’d done all of my homework, but there were a couple of issues I needed to come to grips with.  For one, I knew that I’d likely need an HD box if I wanted all HD, all the time.  Still, I had a feeling that I could get something out of the direct cable line into the TV.  Sure enough, the local affiliates are available in HD, but that’s pretty much it.  Another thing I thought was weird was that there are something to the effect of “sub channels” in some cases:  WBZ is on channel 4, but then the HD version of the station is on channel 4-1.  I don’t quite get it, but it works, so I’m not complaining.  Now I can see the final episodes of LOST or the weekly NBC Sunday hockey game in HD as they are intended.  I’ve always felt that hockey is the best sport for HD viewing as the detail and speed are easier to follow in higher resolutions.  Anybody who complained about not being able to see the puck shouldn’t have any trouble now.

Another issue that I had to contend with was playing video games on an LCD screen.  As it turns out, there’s some settings to mess around with in order to get your games playable.  As far as my Wii is concerned, everything is easy to do.  Just a change of the Wii settings and a utilization of the TV’s “Game Mode” feature, and I’m stompin’ goombas and whatnot in no time.  HOWEVER, I found that the Playstation 2 has its own set of problems.  Long story short, the picture that the PS2 puts out is just fine for a standard TV, but LCD sets need to “process” the interlaced image before it hits the screen.  The result is a split second of lag between your button press and the corresponding command being onscreen.  Hence, my PS2 is now just a noisy DVD player… but a DVD player nonetheless, and with more screen settings, all of my movies look great now.  Am I saving up for a PS3 now?  You could say that.

I’ve never been one to jump on new technology the second it comes out.  Sometimes, it’s buggy and needs to be tested by the general public before I’ll bother to spend my money on it.  Other times, it’s bound to be upgraded by the time I think I’ll get the latest cool thing.  When it comes to HD, I think that I timed it just right.

I have nothing to say tonight.

Here’s a link to a blog that features mostly screengrabs of Commander Riker.

Setting course for Risa (LIKE A BOSS)

YOU’RE WELCOME.